Print Posted By on 07/23/2017

Being a good parent while divorcing a narcissist

Being a good parent while divorcing a narcissist

So the unthinkable has happened. The person who you thought would be your friend, your

lover, your confidant, turned out to be anything but. You feel broken and alone and now your are

in for the battle of your life. You finally saw through the lies. The words and the actions did not

correspond.

I am 55 I kept telling myself that things would get better. For 27 years I did that. What I am

writing about now is about my foolish mistakes in the beginning. What I’ve learned so far and

how it has affected me and my children. Hopefully It may help you.

I believe my estranged Husband to be a covert narcissist. No this isn’t a formal diagnosis.

People who have this are not likely to go for help, they see themselves as perfect. Any problems

are yours. I was shocked when I read about the personality disorder and realized how many

things fit. My feelings wavered from feeling vindicated, to anger and hatred, and then the

hardest emotion, pure hurt.

The hurt and the anger are feelings that need to be worked through, but when angry you do

not have your “A” game in place. You need to have your head when dealing with someone like

this. Any mistake, any pitfall, will be used against you. You cannot play their game, they’ve had

too many years of practice and it is important to be who you really are.

In the beginning I told everyone and anyone what my H had done to me. Such a bad idea.

Yes, you need to vent to someone but make sure that they are your true friends who know you

well. One of my most humiliating mistakes was telling a tenant that he needed to give me the

rent money because my husband had a drug problem. This tenant began to deliver the rent

money later and later every month. When I called him on it he went straight to my H and told

him what I had said. What I said was true but it was foolish of me to divulge that information.

Luckily my daughter who lives with me right now stepped in and told her father that this tenant

was being horrible even to her. This kept things a little bit in check but guess who is now

collecting the rent on the house that I renovated myself. Part of the reason I felt the need to tell

people was because my husband told me he didn’t want people to know. He said that he was

keeping quiet about it and so should I. The problem was that he wasn’t keeping quiet about it.

He was telling half truths about his affairs, and down right lies.It made me angry and vindictive.

Now I had to come to face my motivations and personal failings. I realized that I didn’t really

care about what his friends thought of me, so why was I telling? Because I wanted him to be

humiliated and feel some of the pain thrust on me. I reluctantly realized that the only one I was

hurting was me. After reading about covert narcissists, I found that they have no empathy. He

will never relate to the pain that he caused. Instead, what I was doing was causing narcissistic

injury which made him want to take me down. At this point, I realized that it isn’t for me to judge

or try to rush along Karma. What needs to happen is for me to take care of me.

I am still struggling with this and ask myself with every decision, Why am I doing this? Who is

it benefiting? One difficult decision came regarding my son’s college tuition. I have control over

his 529 plan. I set it up from an inheritance from my father. My son is not doing well in college. I

believe that he may have an addiction and alcohol problem. I said that I would pay his tuition if

he would submit to random drug testing and maintain a “B” average. My H is now trying to get

his name added to the 529 plan. I am choosing to stick to my decision. I do not want my son to

waste his money. It will be here for him when and if he can get serious about his education. I am

in a fight for my life. Did I mention that my H’s father is an ex judge in the county where I live. I

know that I may loose but this time my conscious is telling me that this is what needs to be

done.

My daughter who is currently living with me but is ready to spread her wings is also reeling

from the situation. She has requested that I not tell her what is going on. I need to respect her

wishes. Again, at first I did tell her things. I know she knows, why would I expect her to come to

the same realizations that I have. He’s still her dad and she wants to believe that there is

someone good, deep down inside. At 23 right now she needs her Mommy. She needs to be

talking to me about her problems. Not the other way around.

I am still learning, still growing. I do want to learn to forgive (for my sake) and move on.

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