Print Posted By on 07/23/2017

Troubled Childhood Equals Troubled Marriage

Troubled Childhood Equals Troubled Marriage

Married over 40 years, Larry Bilotta helps men and women end anxiety and find calm in the middle of marriage chaos. Larry spent 27 years in a marriage made in Hell, but in the 28th year, fell in love...with his wife! As living proof it only takes one to heal a marriage, Larry teaches men and women how and why all hope is not lost - no matter how desperate the situation may appear. Larry shares his advice in a Q and A format about why a troubled childhood results in a troubled marriage.


Q: How does your childhood affect you in your adult relationship?


A: During your first 10 years, especially the first six years, experiences come into the brain and

you have no ability to filter or adjust those messages in any way. They come in raw and they

stay in the brain, waiting for their opportunity to be expressed.

When those experiences include abandonment, abuse or neglect of any kind, these destructive

messages will begin to push for expression after 30 years old and will be forcefully activated

only in marriage. People raised in these homes are what I call “Chaos Kids”. Couples who live

together without being married most often do not experience the intense expression of these

Chaos Kid experiences that a legal marriage creates.

If both the man and the woman have these abandonment, abuse and neglect childhood

experiences, it makes for a guaranteed chaotic mess of one negative reaction clashing into

another. As these childhood experiences are expressing themselves, it’s almost as if the person

is possessed by those childhood moments. This is what I call “Program Possession”. Program

Possession is responsible for destroying any intimacy that existed between the couple, thus

almost guaranteeing the end of the marriage unless that couple gets help that will reveal this

childhood pain and show them how to successfully deal with it.


Q:  What types of relationships are formed as adults when children are not given emotional

support when they grow up?


A: As a child is growing up, they need what I call the “Kid Standard”. This is an unspoken

standard that every child wants but certainly is not guaranteed. If it could be stated in a sentence,

the Kid Standard would read: “Mom and dad, make me feel important and valuable. Have an

enjoyable and happy relationship where you give me happy experiences.”

I conducted over 1,600 one-hour interviews with people in troubled marriages and I have found

that in every case, childhood abandonment, abuse, and neglect came to destroy those intimate

marriage relationships of these Chaos Kids. Since virtually no couple is prepared to recognize or

properly handle this Program Possession that results from these painful childhoods, the more

intensely negative these childhood experiences are, the sooner the marriage will end.


Q: Is my partner difficult because of their childhood experiences?


A: Through my interviews, I discovered that adults who were raised in homes where the Kid

Standard was experienced, all have happy memories that they easily share and remember. But

the more they experienced abandonment, abuse and neglect, the less the adult remembers of their

experiences because these painful memories are buried in order to protect the conscious mind.


The reason a marriage partner is difficult is because Chaos Kid instructions from childhood

require the spouse to react in a difficult way to typical life experiences. This is easily

demonstrated when a man or woman is programmed in childhood with a temper. Typically,

tempers explode over small events like the classic “spilled milk”. So if the temper exploded in

dad’s case, the temper will explode today in the son’s case, thus guaranteeing that painful

childhood experiences will create a difficult marriage partner.


Q: How can I make a relationship work with someone who has a troubled childhood?


A: In order to create a successful relationship with a Chaos Kid, you must remember that you are

not married to a normal man or woman. That’s because a normal person who was raised in a

better home, is more resilient to negative events and better equipped to maintain their emotional

composure when trouble arrives. Thus, you can get angry and blame a person who was raised in

a great home, and that person will rebound fairly easily to your bad behavior.

This is not the case with Chaos Kids. When you get angry and blame a Chaos Kid, you literally

ignite the memory center that turns on Program Possession. Once Program Possession is

running, you will now be on the receiving end of the same bad behavior that that child

experienced many years ago.

If you are able to continually remember that you are married to a Chaos Kid, then you will alter

your emotional reactions consciously. You will continuously remember that your Chaos Kid

cannot handle any blame, criticism or even insinuations of their wrongdoing. If you love your

Chaos Kid, you will keep saying and doing things that establish their value and their importance.

This is an almost impossible task if you are not prepared to maintain your own positive emotions

about yourself. I have long proven that a person married to a Chaos Kid needs these skills if they

are to create and maintain a healthy marriage with a Chaos Kid.


Married over 40 years, Larry Bilotta is an author,Marriage Coach and Founder of the Environment Changer program. He helps people eliminate negative emotions,end anxiety and find calm in the middle of marriage chaos. Find@LarryBilotta on Twitter orFacebook.

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