Print Posted By Blog Admin on 06/20/2017 in Category 1

Rebuilding confidence after divorce

Rebuilding confidence after divorce

Jessica Bacher has been a school counselor since 2004 and a certified professional coach since 2014. She built her business around the strength she gained after her 2012 divorce. Jessica currently helps women find confidence after divorce. She says currently, as her niche and focus often change as she grows.

Q: Would you say divorce causes feelings of low self- worth, or were those feelings there in the first place?

A: Divorce itself not only causes feelings of low self worth but is exasperated by those things that have occurred before the divorce took place. Divorce doesn’t happen when both people are happy in their marriage. There are many things building up to the divorce that create feelings of low self worth. Trust may be violated, abuse (physical or mental) could be a factor, abandonment, control, etc. are all things that could contribute to feelings of low self worth. The finality of the marriage will confirm any self-doubt, verifying that all of those things you felt previously must be true. Reminding you that you’re not good enough, and that there’s possibly someone that is more appealing than you.

Another factor that may contribute is that often as divorcees we have witnessed or been a part of dysfunctional families, which most likely played a part when choosing a spouse. Of course this is not always the case but often times (speaking from personal experience, as well) I’ve worked with clients that come from a line of failed marriages (parents, grandparents, siblings, etc.). When you grow up in this environment, healthy relationships are foreign to you and it is often difficult to choose a spouse that doesn’t replicate what you’ve grown up with. Thus, continuing the pattern.

Q: How do I figure out where my feelings of low self-worth originated?

A: Therapy is an effective way to find where feelings of low self worth originate from. Often, these feelings are a piece of a big puzzle possibly dating back to childhood. Typically we find a mate that meets our needs and is familiar to us. This is not always a healthy decision and tends to continue any cycle that you were previously in. It is necessary to stop this cycle to avoid attracting/being attracted to what doesn’t work. It’s always a good idea to do maintenance on your mental health. There are always things that can be worked on and discoveries that can be made about yourself that will help boost self confidence.

Q: How do I overcome fear and doubt?

A: Overcoming fear and doubt will be different for all people depending on their needs and experiences. Time and experience helps overcome fear and doubt. Also, allowing yourself to face issues head-on, surrounding yourself with people who love and support you, and focusing on you and your future, even if it’s focusing one day at a time. This is where coaching and counseling are most valuable. Do not do this alone. Get help and find the missing link so that your past doesn’t interfere with your future.

Q: What are some tools you use or have seen that have been transforming when it comes to rebuilding yourself?

A: Tools that are transforming after divorce: Letting go of the past by minimizing communication with your ex and those whom are connected. This will allow you to avoid re-violation and reminders of those doubts and fears. Social media and other means of public exposure are unnecessary. Letting go of this is key to a healthy post divorce transformation. I already hear the excuses! Drop them. Take care of you and ditch the stalking, asking questions, looking, wondering, etc. This is about you now! What “they” are doing is not your business and is not helpful in your healing. When was the last time you looked at your ex spouse’s Facebook page and thought “wow, I feel so much better now” and then were healed forever? As if!

Seeking counseling and/or coaching to work through bettering yourself and your future are vital in transforming. Making a life for yourself will help you not only build confidence but independence and good times that are needed to keep you mentally healthy.

What worked for me: I am a huge proponent of yoga and that was where I turned the day after my ex moved out. It not only nourished me physically but mentally, too. It allowed me quiet time to step back, think, and learn to appreciate and accept life as it is today. And, it kept me busy! It also welcomed new friendships and perspectives and therefore, built self-esteem.

If yoga is not your thing (try it before deciding) do something physical. It can be as simple as a walk with your favorite tunes on or calling a friend to keep you “company” while you pound out stress on a hike. Staying active is key to resetting your life. What I loved about my yoga journey is that it was something that was new. It didn’t know my past, my past didn’t know it. It was something that I started that my ex never knew about. It was empowering because it was my decision and no one there knew my story. I was able to start fresh with a group of wonderful people, some of whom could even relate.

Q: Do my negative thoughts serve a purpose?

A: I love this question and I can answer it in two different ways; yes and no. I think negative thoughts can serve a short-term purpose. Maybe allowing you to “get it out”, vent to a friend, and then laugh afterwards recognizing that you just got nutty for a minute. Negative thoughts, when you’re alone, have the ability to build anger and more self doubt, not a road you want to go down. Everyone is going to have them whether you invite them in or not. You have to know how to combat them in a timely manner, as to not let them ruin your day or future (see how to do that above).

Some negative thoughts, if you allow them to, can remind you what you don’t want, didn’t want, and what is healthy about where you are today. If you are able to turn those thoughts around, for example: I’m damaged goods versus I have some things to work on in order to be healthy enough to date again OR I’m not connecting with anyone because I’m not ready, puts you in control and in return, builds self confidence. It’s not easy to reroute your thoughts (trust me) and neither is starting your life over (but ya did); With time and help, you’ve got this!

Q: What is the foundation of becoming a confident person? 

A: The foundation of becoming a confident person starts with self-care. Taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally. There are many ways to find it and you have to find what works for you. Again, counseling and/or coaching is a sure-fire way to get there. In addition, surrounding yourself with people who feed you and removing those who don’t. This is difficult after divorce because it means putting yourself out there and finding new groups of people who don’t constantly remind you of your past. It’s hard and seems nearly impossible. It’s another change and can add feelings of additional loss, but it is healthy and will undoubtedly benefit you. It has served me beautifully. Dive into the new, as the old isn’t of service to you any longer. Find those people who make you tick, fill your bucket, and allow you to be who you are today, not who you were yesterday!

BIO:

Jessica Bacher works full time as a counselor and also coaches women one on one, holds workshops, offers freebies online, and incorporates yoga into her business model.

Because of the nature of her topic, she has seen great response due to her personal experience with divorce. Jessica’s enthusiasm and passion attract women ready to build lost confidence, after divorce. Jessica currently continues to live the single life and enjoys problem solving, traveling, yoga, hiking, and supporting others with her keen ear and welcoming disposition.

Jessica’s next adventure includes writing her own book about surviving divorce and the afterlife. You can check out Jessica’s website at www.jessicamichellecoaching.com and stop by Facebook and Twitter to see what she’s up to.

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